To Live or Not to Live?" That was the Question
Just five years into marriage and one year after giving birth to our first child, my fairy-tale quickly turned into a tragedy. It all began when my father died unexpectedly without a legal will, creating complicated circumstances. When he died, his estate went into “Probate” under the protection of the state in which a set period of time is allowed for the deceased debts to be paid, the heirs determined, and the remainder of his possessions divided equally among them. We all assumed it would be the standard six- month process. (NOT) Two years into all the chaos, I was shocked by accusations that I might not actually be my father's daughter. My only sibling filed suit for my inheritance, claiming I had no rights as an orphan.
How Could This Be?
I had always found pride in being my father’s daughter. He was popular and I used his name to my advantage. I spiraled into an identity crisis. With no legal precedence, the magistrate pondered forcing a DNA test. The courts couldn’t decide whether it was even relevant to my inheritance since my dad had claimed me as his own for thirty years prior to his death. As the events unfolded, the emotional pain was overwhelming. I didn’t know who I was as a daughter, I lost the foundation of the only family I had known, and there was nowhere to hide from the chaos. I found myself drowning in hopelessness. In desperation, one day, I determined it would be easier to die than live. That day, while my husband was at his office, I filled a tub full of water. I put my son in room-time with music playing and a gate up to protect him, and I climbed into the water. I was five months pregnant at the time, but I couldn't see past my pain. I wasn't crazy and I had never had mental illness, but the pain was unbearable. I felt trapped in a dark, cold, underground tunnel and as I clawed at the walls I could not escape. I believed dying would take away my family's pain. I kept thinking, “If you'll just sink into this warm grave and inhale, it will all be over and the pain will stop.” Most suicides are based on some form of pain and the desire to escape unbearable hopelessness.
What Saved My Life?
As I slowly lowered myself into the water, seconds away from inhaling, I heard a powerful presence speak, “Get up and get help NOW, before you destroy your life and the lives of everyone you love!” It was a divine intervention. I had been so focused on escaping my own anguish I had failed to consider what my choice would do to my husband, my son, and the life I was carrying. Sadly, suicide may ease the human pain in the life of the one who is suffering, but it leaves behind lives that will never be the same. It leaves those who love you with unresolved pain, unanswered questions, unprocessed grief, and no emotional closure. On this day something more powerful than my pain was saving my life and the life of my unborn daughter.
I Chose Life, Will You?
I got up, wrapped myself in a towel and called a counseling center. Within minutes, I was headed towards intense counseling. I realized I really did want to survive and I loved and wanted the baby I was carrying. My husband and I started marriage counseling to help us sort through the debris from the storm. We started putting our lives back together one piece at a time even though the legal matters were still unresolved. Over the next five years, we faced more tragedy including death, a family breakup, an identity crisis, an incurable illness, a freak accident, two surgeries, a near suicide, medical bills, mounting legal expenses, and our marriage almost dissolved but the peace I found through Biblical counseling and prayer, and the miraculous things God continued to do in each situation gave me the courage to choose life one day at a time. He is a good, good Father and he was faithful.
How Did it End?
At the six and a half year mark of the probation of my father’s estate, there was another divine intervention. I heard the same powerful presence tell me to voluntarily take a DNA test to determine my identity and end the probate of my father's estate once and for all. Since the courts couldn't decide, God was making the decision. Little did I know, the DNA results were not the answer I was about to receive. As Dan and I sat waiting for the DNA lab to open, I began to fall apart. I was struggling with fear. As I flashed back over the last seven treacherous years, I realized I had lost everything I had known as normal. My identity as my father’s daughter had been pillaged and taken. My family was broken. Everything I had known before my father's death was dead.
What I didn't realize was God had been ordering my steps to this place in time with a purpose bigger than my human DNA. That morning as we left home, I had grabbed a book from the shelf I'd been reading called The Gift by Max Lucado. As tears streamed down my face, I pulled the book from my purse and opened it to the place I had marked a few days before with a book marker. At the top it read, “God’s Bounteous Grace.” Then as my eyes moved down the page, I was awe struck when I read what was written in bold print at the bottom.........
“For you no longer have to worry about who your Farther is; for you are an heir to MY throne through my son.” Galatians 4:7 (The Gift)
Is Life Really Hopeless?
In an instant, everything shifted. I had just received the greatest gift my Father in Heaven had to offer me! For the first time in my life, I realized all those years I had found such pride in being called my father’s daughter I'd been wrapped in false identity. My real heritage was in being the daughter of a Great and Mighty King! I was an heir to an estate far bigger than my earthly dad had possessed. What God had for my inheritance was unmatched. It could not be taken away in court or contained on a piece of paper. For the first time in my life I knew who I really was!
God had adopted me and my earthly identity had been wiped away. I had asked him into my heart as a six-year-old little girl growing up in abuse, but I became his daughter when He took me as his own and connected me to his bloodline. My birthright had been finalized. On this day I actually recognized my pedigree. The DNA results no longer mattered. My identity had been divinely determined. Months later the estate dissolved. Our journey lasted seven years. The number seven means “perfection” in Scripture and God’s work was done. It was finished!
Why Choose To Be Adopted?
By definition, adoption means “to choose or hold as one’s own; to take, rear, and provide for a child of other parents, specifically by adoption.” All over the world, orphans long for parents. They hope to be adopted by someone they can trust who will love them forever. When Jesus, God’s son, came to the earth and lived, died, and rose again on the third day, his resurrection built the bridge to our adoption by a Father who can be trusted and who will never abandon us. So often God is blamed for all the wrong in the world. The truth is, we have an enemy who rules this earth called Satan. He seeks to rob, kill, still, and destroy. God longs to adopt us and protect us from that enemy, but we must choose to be adopted. Love never forces us into adoption, it allows us to choose because forced love isn't love. God sent his son Jesus to the earth in physical form, so he could lay down his life as a sacrifice and pay the price with his blood for our adoption.
When we willingly place ourselves in a covenant of faith with God, it means we’re placing ourselves underneath his protective covering and He becomes the roof over our lives. He covers us with his love, his power, and his royal name just as the noble King of any kingdom does. Being his daughter didn't mean all my pain or circumstances went away, it meant his love and care empowered me to survive it all and gave me hope in a hopeless situation. As noble children of the King of Kings, we are commissioned to change our chaotic castle into a peaceful palace. He becomes the roof over us, destined to cover us from the chaos that surrounds us. His banner over us is love!
“The Spirit you received (when you believed) does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the spirit you received brought about your adoption to son-ship. And by him we cry, ‘Abba, Father’.” Romans 8:15 (NIV)
Where is Our Hope?
Our hope is found in an unmatched covenant of love. That love is offered through our adoption and adoption delivers hope in any hopeless situation. It's the unending circle of God's love for our lives and it's available to anyone who chooses to enter by faith into the covenant through the blood of Christ! These are the steps of the covenant.
C - Confess that you make mistakes and cannot do life without you Father's help.
O - Open your heart to God who created you, loves you, and wants to be your Father.
V - Veto any thoughts you have that you can do this alone or you don't need help
E - Enter into a relationship with God the Father by choosing to believe and trust him and embrace the sacrifice he made through his son, Jesus on your behalf.
N - Never doubt the simplicity of your adoption. All other religions require you to be good and work hard enough to earn your way to a God. You don't have to do anything but receive the free gift of adoption through faith and belief.
A - Allow God to love you just the way you are, no matter what you’ve done or where you’ve been. His love is free if you choose to receive it. As your parent in adoption, He loves you no matter who you were when he found you.
N - Never fear! Your identity is sealed and your birthright and inheritance cannot be taken from you.
T - Take him by the hand, walk across the bridge, and embrace your new identity as son or daughter!
Pray this Prayer in Faith and Trust Him for Your New Identity:
Dear Abba Father, I cannot save myself. I know you sent your son to die for my mistakes in order to provide a way for my adoption into your family. I want to walk across the bridge of faith that Jesus created through his death, burial, and resurrection. I am asking you to adopt me and make me your child. Please forgive me for all the wrong choices I have made. Please become the banner over my life and our palace. Please become my Lord and my Savior. I believe in your kingdom. Thank you for calling me your own and making me an heir to the inheritance you have for me. Thank you for adopting me and giving me a new identity in you. Amen
**If you are struggling with thoughts of suicide, choose life now. It is worth living. You've been given life for a purpose and God has great plans for you. Reach out immediately, get help. Call a counselor or contact the national suicide hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or follow this link:https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/help-yourself/
It seems the entire world was captivated by the royal wedding of Prince Harry and Megan Markle this weekend. Thousands stood in line, some for days, just to catch a glimpse of the royal couple! Many more watched from the internet and social media. Dan and I woke early and watched live via the news network to see the fanfare and pomp and circumstance. It was spectacular! The American Cinderella wed her Royal European Prince and entered into a life committed to nobility!
Why are we so intrigued by royalty?
As a young person, I was intrigued by Prince Harry's parents, Lady Diana Spencer and Prince Charles of Wales. Up until that point, I had only heard of royal families in the history books. Lady Di was the first royal bride that made a fairy-tale wedding a reality for me. I don’t even think I realized royalty existed in my lifetime until Princess Diana stepped out of her Cinderella carriage. I watched the entire ceremony along with the other 750 million viewers around the world. It was known as the “fairy tale wedding of the century." That day began my personal dream for a happily ever after.
As I was writing "Chaos in the Castle or Peace in the Palace?", it seemed like the cover of every magazine had something to say about their son and next royal heir, Prince William and his bride, Catherine Middleton. The future of the monarchy had begun. The next generation royals would eventually inherit the throne and wear the royal crown. With modern day access to the internet and social media, this young couple carried on the family tradition of royal weddings by captivating an estimated 108 billion viewers worldwide. It was the largest viewed royal wedding in world history until yesterday when Prince Harry Married Ms. Markle. The new Prince and his bride successfully multiplied the viewing audience by 150 times over the weekend, as compared to the number of viewers who watched his mom, Princess Di, wed his dad, Prince Charles.
Are you prepared for your royal wedding?
I think if we’re honest, we’ve all been intrigued by royalty or fame in some way. It captivates our imagination. Every girl dreams of a royal wedding like Princess Di, Catherine Middleton, and Meghan Markle, where life seems perfect and everything falls into place, enabling the bride and groom to live in marital bliss forever. The royal wedding ceremony is viewed in our imaginations as a pivotal point to a grand future which is why the world watched as royalty wed. That’s also why many couples spare no expense to make their wedding day as breathtaking as possible, but the truth is a well planned wedding does not guarantee a happy couple a fairy-tale life. The grandeur of the wedding doesn’t determine the promise of its success.
According to a book released several years ago about Prince Charles and Diana, the author states they both wanted to call off the royal wedding the night before. As Lady Diana expressed her fear and the desire to cancel the whole event, she was told, “It’s too late; your face is already printed on the tea napkins.” As we all know, Diana divorced her Prince Charles fifteen years later, rocking the royal palace and creating public frenzy as the media accusations spun out of control about the stability of the family throne. The truth is, once the wedding is over and the guests are gone, the work of learning how to live together has just begun. Princess Diana had spent months in training on how to behave like a royal. She learned how to dress, how to present herself to the public, and how to take tea in the afternoon with diplomats, but no one had prepared her for how to be a wife.
What does "I DO" do?
Somehow the two small but powerful words, "I DO", change everything for the two people getting married. Even people who have chosen to live together first, before marrying, still say once they recited their vows everything changed. Why is that? Could it be the promises made in the wedding day formalities actually hold some incredible power over the relationship once it is officially sealed? In my book, I delve into the history and symbolism of the wedding ceremony as we learn what all the pomp and circumstance actually means and why every wedding is meant to be royal.
Is Happily Ever After possible?
As far as happiness goes, some couples go into marriage realistically knowing it won’t be that easy to find. In fact, they know it will be hard work, but they still believe with all their hearts they can overcome the challenge and live a life at least close to their version of Happily Ever After. On the other hand, some go down the aisle with blinders on and no idea what it will require to make a marriage last. Many unrealistically believe in the automatic fairy-tale ending before they even say “I Do”.
Some couples don’t believe in the wedding nuptials at all, so they simply choose the less complicated route without a solid commitment. They pack up their bags and their toothbrush and move in. That way if it doesn’t work out they can just call it a purely physical thing and move on by moving out. Despite how it all began for each of us, most of us still long to feel our heart skip a beat when our lover enters the room. We long for the simple brush of one hand against another to take our breath away for the rest of our lives. Unfortunately, after saying “I Do” or sharing dresser drawers, most couples quickly realize it’s not as easy as all the fairy-tales make it out to be. What if, however, it is easier than we think it is? What if we just need clear answers to tough questions, about this mysterious thing called love and marriage in order to find peace?
What's the answer?
In 1 Corinthians 14:33a we learn that, “God is not a God of disorder but of peace” (NIV)
What really makes a wedding royal?
If we want to rid ourselves of chaos we have to dig deeper for answers in the Scriptures. After all, God was the one who performed the first wedding ceremony. The Bible, in essence, is a history book. Although many argue against its truth, archaeology has continued to prove its historical accuracy. Even if you don’t have a relationship with God, the relevance of the information in this history book called the Bible can’t be denied.
What did I learn?
I was amazed and I think you will be too as I share in chapter five of my book some of the interesting facts I discovered about the wedding and its traditions. I unearthed some details that help define marital identity that can change your life no matter where you are in the journey of love. Many couples never realize the traditional wedding ceremony typically uses the Scriptures from the Bible's first wedding. In fact, not only are the vows we say found there but many of the rituals we do in the ceremony are actually found there. As I began to read and understand these ideas, I learned that the wedding ceremony itself is based on many covenant traditions. These ideas aren’t just formal vows written by a wedding planner, they are the water, sand, and gravel used to construct the foundation of a strong marriage that can last a lifetime. They’re meant to be the solid ingredients on which to build our palace. These ideas are our hope and our future for the wedding of our dreams and its success. The defining point in a royal wedding is the rich history of traditions and covenants the ceremony represents.
Were you created for royalty?
We were all meant for royalty! In fact, we were designed for it. We were also created for a royal marriage built on unshakable ground. From the first wedding ceremony, the principles of till death do us part were put into place to give us the foundation we need to move forward in holy matrimony. Marriage is not just something we survive, it’s meant for us to thrive in royal marital bliss! What an incredible gift we’ve been given. I hope you’ll follow me through my book, "Chaos in the Castle or Peace in the Palace?" as I unpack everything I learned in my own journey. It will change your life. It will set you free to be royalty and live nobly for a lifetime.
Purchase the book here:
Dan and I just celebrated our 28th wedding anniversary this month! We traveled thru four states in ten days! It was an awesome trip with some amazing sights, but it never fails when we journey together we often find ourselves in big discussions about which way to go. I'm a back-road queen and love the road less traveled. Dan, on the other hand, prefers the reliable path. This model is a great example of how couples sometimes communicate and communication is a path all couples have to travel. Many times, women like to talk everything out and adventure to the end of the road in conversation. Men almost always prefer just the facts, less conversation, and peaceful normalcy. These roles can be reversed based on differences in personality, but even Science says it's usually the woman who has the most words to say.
Do you struggle with communication?
Conversation was one area where Dan and I had a lot to learn. For many years, it was a bumpy road where I often found myself complaining about Dan's communication skills. Several years back, I had a break through. The truth hit me as I realized the bigger problem with our communication was not him. It was me. (Ouch!) My need to constantly analyze a situation, create a solution to a problem, or simply state my opinion was at the root of our problem. Don't get me wrong, a wife's beautiful role in communication and the act of gathering and giving information is one of the many keys to success in marriage. I lay out the details about this powerful role within God's divine design in my book, "Chaos in the Castle or Peace in the Palace?. The challenge in marriage arises when we don't understand our differences as men and women. Because of those created contrasts, if we're not careful, women can operate in the tendency to talk a situation to death. Why? Because we are naturally more detail oriented and we have twice as many utterances to utter in a day.
When the king speaks, do you listen?
In the midst of my own epiphany, I realized the king of my palace wasn't talking because the queen wasn't listening. It made sense. If you're not going to be heard or your words are not going to be valued, why speak? Scientific studies back up the fact women have twice as many words to speak on a daily basis than men. For that reason, we have to be careful not to fill the air with empty words while our husband is struggling to fit in a priceless point.
For many years, after Dan and I would end a conversation, I would often realize I was the one who did all the talking. Sadly, I knew nothing more about his thoughts on the matter than when we started. That all changed the day I realized I needed to stop talking as much and start listening more. I knew it might require setting guidelines and goals with boundaries within daily dialogue, but I was willing to make the effort to create a healthy place for conversation to occur.
Which conversation path do you flow in?
I remember in our premarital counseling many years ago, Dan and I were told within every marriage there is a bubbling brook and a quiet stream. Science not only says we have more words than men but also men process information differently than women. It would seem women are often the bubbling brook in the relationship for that reason. Men however like to think before they speak, and when they speak they have a desire to be respected because respect is love and speaks to the heart of a man. Women on the other hand often think out loud without giving much thought to what they're saying, and sometimes when our thoughts bubble over they can be quite intimidating, especially if our spouse is the quiet stream and we're bubbling away like a brook.
That was exactly what was going on in our marriage. I was such a bubbling brook, my husband, the quite stream, was silent. You might be relieved to know you and I are not the first women to struggle. Actually, a case can be made that it all started in the Garden of Eden at creation. After all, that's where communication broke down for the first time between the newly married couple. Could it be Adam was a quiet stream and Eve wasn't comfortable with the lack of words between them so she struck up a conversation with a serpent? With Eve's bubbly personality, as she began to talk to the intruder in their midst, Adam stood watching and remained silent. If we want to reverse the effects of that chaotic conversation, we have to create a different atmosphere and build a safe haven for open dialogue so we don't find ourselves in a broken system of miscommunication.
How do we do create healthy conversation?
We start by embracing our individuality and uniqueness as a couple. We have to understand that even though men typically have fewer words, they're words are not less valuable. If the role is reversed and your husband happens to be the bubbling brook, the rules still apply. We have to allow our spouse to be who they are and who God created them to be when it comes to their way of talking. Just because men scientifically have fewer words doesn't mean their words hold less power. They may not speak their thoughts in the way you or I would or even say what we always want to hear, but when they speak it can be priceless. Creating conversation is a start in the right direction in spite of our differences. The beautiful reality is God created opposites to attract because each person in the relationship has strengths and weaknesses that their partner needs and together they make an incredible combination, even in communication.
Are you willing to try these ideas?
Do you choose palace or castle conversation?
In palace days, if a queen refused to listen to the king of her kingdom she could be sentenced to exile or even death causing war to break out and castle living to set in. (Oh my!) If you want your king to speak, take the time to control your speech and quietly listen. After he has spoken, he will value what you also have to say since he's been heard. If your spouse struggles in this area, don't try to force change. Instead, create an atmosphere where they can feel good about speaking and being heard. In the end, communication is the key to every healthy happy marriage. Strong relationships stay strong when people talk on a daily basis. It's a part of staying glued together as one flesh. I don't know about you, but I prefer palace pillow talk over chaotic castle conversation any day of the week!
"If we want our spouse to talk, we have to create a safe place for their voice to be heard and their words to be spoken without criticism or judgment."
Wow! It seems Spring has sprung? The first sign at our house is the loud and undeniable croak of thousands of frogs in our back pond in search of the right companion. Not only are the croakers croaking, but the wedding buzz is buzzing! My daughter is a wedding photographer and she keeps me up to date on all the latest matrimonial trends. In fact, she's asked me to join her at the FOX Theater in Atlanta for a Bridal Show in a couple of weeks! I'm tagging along as the author of her #1 Recommended Read for New Brides!
Palace Living or Pond Dwelling?
Since love is in the air, I thought I'd share my thoughts on palace living over pond dwelling for all you future Brides! Choosing a Prince over a Frog is crucial to one of the most important steps you'll ever take toward palace gates. I'll never forget New Years Eve many years ago when a handsome guy sang a song he'd written just for me, got down on one knee, and asked if I'd be his teddy bear for the rest of our lives. Then he gave me the cutest stuffed bear I'd ever seen. I wasn't sure if he was proposing or just being romantic? I said “yes” to the question, while my heart pondered silently the situation of a bare finger. An hour later, while watching a movie, he offered me a box of Cracker-Jax and challenged me to open the prize at the bottom of the box to see which of us got the best surprise. Out fell a heart shaped diamond ring! As he placed it on my finger, he said "I'm giving you my heart for the rest of my life." In that moment, I knew I had myself a prince and not a frog. It wasn't the proposal or the ring or even the Cracker-Jax. It was his character, his heart, and his love for the Lord that had captivated me along with his commitment to cherish me for a lifetime.
Why Did I Ponder the Prince?
Strangely, as we headed towards our wedding day, I began to panic inside. I started to question if this was really Mr. Right ? Thankfully, someone handed me a book on preparing after the proposal, and wah-lah, "mystery solved!" There's apparently a huge difference between the sexes. (Wow, who knew!) It seems once a beau beckons a bride, he never looks back. For a lady in waiting, once the proposal transpires, all the doubts flood in like rushing water. If you happen to be a damsel in doubt, take a deep breath and relax. To ponder the choice of taking a prince from the palace or a frog from the pond is all a part of the plan. Every woman wants to marry Mr. Right and live happily ever after. It's in the nature of who we are to desire a knight in shining armor who will love us till death do us part. God created it that way for a purpose.
What's the Purpose for the Ponder?
Research says men ponder from the meeting to the ring and then ask the question “Will You?” Women ponder from the ring to the altar and answer “I Will.” Why? Because God takes marriage seriously and he wanted to make sure the journey from the first encounter to the altar was completely contemplated. After all, the groom has to be willing to lay down his life for the sake of the kingdom if necessary, and defend his maiden to the death if need be. From the proposal to the "I Do" the bride has to fully consider her choice. After all, this will be the king of their kingdom, and father of her children, destined to lead wisely and protect bravely. She too must determine if she's committed to loving him for the rest of her life. This choice is one of the most important decisions in a couple's future because marriage is a covenant. In fact, the ceremony is full of traditions that represent covenants dating all the way back to the time of the Old Testament, and those covenants were never meant to be broken. (To learn about the covenants, check out my book "Chaos in the Castle or Peace in the Palace?" where I discuss in chapter 4, "What Makes a Wedding Royal").
How Can You Tell a Prince from a Frog?
Before meeting my husband, I was everybody's bridesmaid and nobody's bride. In my desperation, I almost kissed a frog. I was dating a guy I'd dreamed of marrying since childhood. After several months, his favorite line was, “We could get married since we both want the same things: a nice house, nice cars, and a couple of kids.” Every time I heard those words, my heart skipped a beat. Not a flutter of love but a putter of panic. My parents had the same "happy life" list and I knew from experience those things didn't bring palace paradise. I wanted more. I wanted to marry a man who would love me for who I was and honor and cherish me all the days of my life. Thank goodness, one Saturday morning, as I lay in bed pondering the pond over the palace, it finally hit me. This was not the prince God had for me. Immediately I ended it and asked God to take over. It was a "Jesus take the Wheel" sort of moment. It was time to quit trying to change my frog into the prince he could never be and trust my Father in Heaven who knew me best to bring me my prince charming. Literally, the next day I walked into church, my eyes met the eyes of a mystery man across the room, and I was captivated. That night he asked me out on our first date and a year later we were engaged, teddy bear and all. I found my knight in shining armor, and he's been mine now for almost twenty-eight years! Scripture says in Jeremiah 29:11,
I alone know the plans I have for you, plans to bring you prosperity and not disaster, plans to bring about the future you hope for.
This is God's promise and his covenant to you. If we surrender our lives and embrace his plans, we will never be disappointed in love. We may face disappointment in life and circumstances but in the midst of difficult times, knowing you married the one meant for only you will glue you together when everything else tries to tear you apart.
Will You Miss Mr. Right?
After marriage, I realized there were a lot of toads I could have kissed at the altar, but giving up and letting God lead me to the noble man meant to be mine was the most important decision I made in exchanging the yucky pond for the peaceful palace. I acknowledge that meeting Mr. Right rarely happens that fast with a frog one day and a prince the next. The truth is, when I consider how close I came to missing the prince God had for me and the catastrophe had I not surrendered the day before, I realize just how muddy my life would have been. I was literally one day away from running out of time and instead of a royal wedding I would have had an empty wishing well. That thought blows the lily pad right out of the water.
What's My Royal Takeaway?
Pondering Mr. Right is never wrong. Asking yourself "Is this the one God created just for me?" is one of the most important questions you will ever ask. It's just as important as the answer you will give on the day you say “I Do.” Once you say "I Do", it becomes "I Will Forever" or at least that's how your Father in Heaven meant it to be because he knew being faithful means forever.
Will You Release, Run, and Wait?
If you're in a dilemma and dating a frog, don't waste another minute. Back in the days of Kings and Queens, a daughter of the King never married beneath herself because marrying a frog could mean losing the crown or lead to the demise of the entire kingdom. The same is true today. If you want everything God has to offer you in love and marriage, start focusing on becoming the beautiful princess you were created to be instead of chasing down an unworthy frog and calling him a prince. My best advice, release that frog back into the pond, pick up the hem of your robe, and run as fast as you can from the icky, sticky mud to the living water. It's a fountain overflowing with all the love you need to make you fulfilled as the Bride of Christ. Once you're fully satisfied in him, he will order the steps of your prince right to your palace door!
Because Pharaoh refused to release what was in his hand, he was plagued with frogs... Exodus 7-10
Every February fourteenth, couples search the store shelves for the perfect gift or card for their special loved one. According to Hallmark, more than 163 million cards are exchanged around the world on Valentine's Day each year. Many complain it's a holiday created by card companies, while others believe it's historical. Although the date has some historical reference, it has nothing to do with the beautiful love God created to be celebrated and cherished between a husband and his bride. This is a one-of-a-kind matchless love. There is nothing more beautiful or more challenging than love and marriage. Let's be honest. Yes, it's amazing at times, but it is also incredibly hard at others. The truth is, marriage isn't meant to be easy, it's meant to mold us and shape us by challenging us to become less selfish and more loving. When we accept this idea and embrace the truth, our challenges can become a good thing, and our marriage can begin to flourish. We are two hearts with three parts and according to scripture, a strand of three is not easily broken.
Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. But a cord of three strands is not easily broken. Ecclesiastes 4:12
Just as our Creator in Heaven is found in three parts as God the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, he created the union of marriage to operate in the same way for the sake of strength. Together our three parts are perfected by his design. We each have our individual roles yet they operate as one captivating, beautiful masterpiece. When God created us in His image, there was no detail left undone. He not only wanted the relationship to create love in our lives, but he longed for it to thrive and operate in such a way that our love would last until death parted us.
Which part am I in the strand of three?
The answer lies in scripture. Within the marriage dynamic, there are three roles to be played. Someone has to be the head of the home which represents God the Father. Then there's the role of Jesus, who was a servant leader sent to do the work of the Father, and then last but certainly not least, there is the Holy Spirit. The mighty, rushing wind who moves throughout our lives shaking things up and challenging us to greatness.
What role does the king of our palace play?
According to Ephesians 5:23, man was created to be the head of the home. He was formed to be the noble leader who makes great decisions. The one at the top who oversees the benefits and blessings of life just like God the Father does. He is protector, using his unemotional wisdom to create strategic battle plans to defeat the enemy. He is provider. According to the story of the fish and the loaves, God provided and multiplied when there was lack. In the nature of every man is the desire to labor and bring home provision for the love of his life. This is the role God designed just for the king of our home.
Ephesians 5:25 says husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church and laid down his life for it. Husbands are not only called to lead but to lead sacrificially. God challenged them to go to the ends of the earth and relinquish their lives, if required. Just as Jesus commanded the winds and waves to be still, husbands stand in the storm with arms outstretched holding back the cyclones, keeping everyone safe. A husband is gentle, yet truthful. He loves, yet he confronts as Jesus did when there was dishonor in the house. Jesus taught Biblical truth, speaking into the lives of those he led. Our husbands are to be spiritual teachers at home and at work. Jesus rose early to pray for direction. Husbands have a mandate to cover their families in prayer. Jesus did not waiver on any mission set before him. He bravely faced the enemy and used God's word as a weapon. A husband is called to be the knight in shining armor who wars for his family no matter what it costs him, even unto death.
If husband is Father and Servant Leader, who is the wife?
The wife represents the Holy Spirit! Through our identity, the strand of three is complete. Together as two hearts with three parts, the bond of marriage is strong enough to withstand any formidable foe. In scripture, the Holy Spirit represents the most powerful force sent by God to empower man. That means woman is a magnificent gift of power given from the heart of God placed in the arms of man. Genesis 2:8 says, "It is not good for man to be alone." We are beautiful and delicate like a breeze, yet powerful and strong like a mighty rushing wind and we can empower the king of our home to stand on the battlefield of life and conquer the world.
What are the characteristics of the Holy Spirit that empower us as wives?
This week as you prepare to celebrate love and romance, remember the unique role you've been given. When we understand who we are and who God created us to be, our marriage begins to look like a beautiful bouquet of flowers that will never wilt or fade away. Embracing your noble identity in marriage can actually make your life like a box of chocolates!
Have you ever struggled to do something you knew had to be done but you really didn't want to do it? Or maybe you were willing to do it but it seemed impossible or too costly and overwhelming. Now that the new year has begun, as we reflect on the life of a young woman named Mary and her beloved, betrothed Joseph, I believe God challenges us all to embrace this new year with resolve to give birth to something new! In considering their journey and how God walked them toward the miraculous, our faith is challenged. They were a couple called to step out and birth something new that would cost them more than they had bargained for. In every new year is a new beginning. Its an opportunity to start over and walk forward toward our own miracle. The question is, are we willing to choose this new season with intent to listen for the breakthrough voice of the Father and answer His call.? God beckoned Mary and Joseph to give life to a miracle bigger that they could imagine! In the pilgrimage of this chosen couple, we can be encouraged that the choice to follow wherever God leads will be worth the blessing in the end. Make this a breakthrough year for your marriage and family!
Envision being filled with the excitement of new love, engaged to be wed, when suddenly an angel appears with the message of an unplanned baby and the call for you to bear its birth? How overwhelming the idea must have been, and what an internal struggle it surely created. Being chosen to birth the son of God had never happened before and it would never happen again. Mary said, "Let it be to me as you have said.," and Joseph took the word of an angel that she was in fact a virgin carrying the foretold Messiah. God was asking them to surrender their hopes and dreams, and in Mary's case, even her womb, for the sake of an earth-shattering, world changing miracle! A "miracle" that meant disappointing family and friends who would not understand. Despite the risks, God had chosen a future for them more important than what they had planned for themselves, a miraculous child that held the hope of the world in his hands.
Will You Embrace the Call?
As Mary embraced her calling, and Joseph embraced his expectant bride, their nine month journey began. In scripture, the number nine means "the end of a matter as far as God is concerned; the end of God's judgment." How fitting! Mary was carrying our saving grace, the end of God's judgment over mankind, in her womb. If you've ever had a child you know as the baby grows so do the parents. Each trimester representing a different part of the development of the miracle as the mother and father prepare for the birth. In Mary and Joseph's case, each period of time was equipping them for the coming King!
Will You Surrender?
The first trimester was all about surrender. The expecting parents were getting used to the idea of a baby on the way while yielding to the idea of parenthood. Letting go of life as they'd known it and grabbing hold of the life that would come. Mary had to give up her dignity, her reputation, and possibly her fiancé' in order to obey the call. Joseph surrendered his pride, his dreams, and his expectations of taking a chaste maiden until the birth had occurred. They did what we all have to do when God calls us to birth something new. Whether it be a baby, an idea, a new career, or even a ministry, it requires the yielding of our own will, laying down whatever we're hanging on to, in order to grab hold of the greater blessing God has to offer.
Surrendering our dreams, letting them die, and giving birth to new reality is one of the hardest things we ever have to do as human beings. Mary and Joseph had reached a cross road, a choice of following their plan or embracing the unknown God had prepared. Their surrender meant walking blindly into destiny without the birds eye view of God while believing the journey would be worth it. Scripture says, the one who hangs on to his life will lose it, but the one who surrenders it all, will actually find it. They laid theirs down.
Will You Grow and Prepare?
When surrender is complete, the second trimester begins and growth and preparation ensue. It's a season for physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional formation preparing for what lies ahead, gathering the things needed, and learning what's required to be ready to deliver. During Mary's second trimester, she traveled to her cousin Elizabeth's house while Joseph, by Jewish custom, would have been preparing a place for his bride. Mary's bump would have been showing while Elizabeth's would have been about to burst forth. Elizabeth was a part of Mary's story. She was having a mid-life miracle baby destined to lead the way for the ministry of the Messiah. His name would be John the Baptist.
The Bible doesn't tell us everything the two expectant women shared, but Titus 2:4-5 says, "The older women can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home...." Mary was growing in her understanding of how to carry out God's plan through Elizabeth's example.
When God calls us to give birth to something new, many times we won't be prepared, but if we draw close to the Father he provides what or who we need in order to move us into his plan. Mary stayed with Elizabeth until she delivered. I imagine when she left for home, she was showing and glowing, accepting her destiny, and embracing her responsibility. She knew what to expect and she understood what was at stake. The call of God to birth something new will never leave us unprepared. He will faithfully provide what we need to birth a God sized dream by giving us the opportunity to watch others around us give birth to their own. We can gather information and learn from their example in order to manifest the miracle he has prepared.
Will You Walk in the Journey Toward the Blessing?
When the third and final trimester arrives it's about walking forward and making the journey for the sake of new life. Many times as delivery draws near, doctors recommend lots of walking to speed up the process of labor. In the birth of the Messiah no detail was forgotten. The prophets of old had foretold his arrival and proclaimed Bethlehem as his birthplace. As divine order would have it, Caesar Augustus decreed that a census of the world should be taken and everyone should return to their hometown. Even Joseph's birthplace had played a role in his future destiny. Mary and Joseph packed up their things and began the long walk to Bethlehem to be counted. From Nazareth, around seventy miles, it would have been a five-day journey by foot and donkey. That fateful walk lead them directly toward providence, speeding along the process of the wonder. They took their journey of faith one step at a time to a town where uncertainty awaited.
Often when God calls us to move, it's only in stepping out that the miracle begins. It's when the path seems the hardest. It's the point where need is the greatest, and the cost is the most demanding. It's usually the place where doubt floods in and what you see doesn't match what God has proclaimed. It's where the voices of reason say, "give up" and impatience bears down. Desperation for the flood gates to open ;presses in.
Will You Embrace the King?
On that starry night in Bethlehem, labor began as the water broke. The rush of living water was flooding into the night and our hope was bursting forth! Mary wasn't just birthing a son, she was pushing forth a new beginning for all of mankind. In that tiny, musty, damp stable the opportunity for good tidings of great joy was starting to rise! Joseph supported his young bride as Mary travailed and delivered our deliverer. As his faint cry filled the night-time sky, the hope of the world was proclaimed!
Just as Mary and Joseph embraced the new born King, we too can find ourselves in that tiny stall when we embrace the Savior and the love he brought us all. When we open our hearts, reach out our arms, and take hold of Jesus, we grab hold of the greatest gift ever given. We find ourselves thrust back in time standing in the middle of that damp and musty stable where the aroma of royalty fills the air.
Birthing life in the midst of what seems like poor timing, might just be God's perfect plan as it was for Mary and Joseph. As you and your family enter this spectacular new year, take a moment to look for the messenger. Choose to surrender to his call. Prepare for the arrival of the miracle God has, and walk in faith toward your destiny. No matter how challenging or poor- timed it might seem, God will meet you where you are and help you walk to where he wants you to go. Choose to cradle the peace of Jesus over chaos, embrace palace living as a child of the King over poverty or wealth. His love is the only provision you will ever need! May you and your family find true peace in knowing the love of the Messiah in this new year because knowing him will assuredly bring the miraculous joy of giving birth to the blessed and glorious life God has planned just for you!
NOTE* The remainder of January always involves fasting for direction for the new year at Simple Faith Ministries. Visit the blog in February for an exciting article on the role of the wife unlike you've ever read before!
In this season of giving thanks, let us not forget to thank God for marital intimacy! If you just rolled your eyes to that comment, this blog is for you. When it comes to the sex conversation, I've rolled my eyes a few times myself, until I dug in and learned the real reason God said, "It is very good." As he created Eve and presented her to the palace prince, God saw the magnificent potential of his plan. Adam and Eve may have blown the obedience factor in the garden, but they encountered something in the flowerbed none of us ever have. They're the only human beings to ever experience pure, uninhibited sexual intimacy untainted by their flesh or sin prior to eating the fruit from the tree.
Let's consider the magnitude of their sinless, sexual experience for a moment. Before their disobedient mistake at the fruit tree, Adam and Eve lived in perfect communion with the Father and one another. They were both virgins with no outside influence or past relationships to stand in their way. They had no obstacles of abuse or betrayal between them. They had never argued or lusted for another. Instead, they lived in absolute oneness within the perfect sexual union of marriage! Sadly, once sin entered the world their thoughts and behaviors changed as man and woman and the marital bliss slipped away. Sin altered their state of existence. Here's the great news! God devised another plan to restore that bliss and blessing out of His perfect love for you and I. Even though the choices of the first married couple created a bump in the road for us all, God wants us to rediscover his original sexual design. All it takes is faith in the power of his death, burial, and resurrection, a personal relationship with him, and our willingness to do the math. One plus one equals one!
Why did God create sex in the first place?
Let's start at the foundation of intimacy. Why did God create it? He created sexual love in marriage so we could become one. Not just through the ceremony or covenant of marriage, but literally one in flesh with our spouse. His desire for you and I is we find find a level of intimacy, not just sexually but spiritually, in such a way that the thoughts of separating is unimaginable. Before we go father, let me encourage you, if you've been divorced before, lay it down and leave it behind. What matters now is finding a peaceful place in your present relationship or future marriage that moves you forward into pure, everlasting, restored love and intimacy for a lifetime. When we say "I DO", we are committing to letting our past die, choosing to let it go and never look back, stepping forward at the altar and committing to cleave to one another for life.
Jesus spoke these words on the matter one day while in public,
“Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and shall cleave to his wife and the two of them shall be one flesh.” Matthew 19:5 (ABPE)
It was his reply to the Pharisees who had determined to question him about divorce in hopes of trapping him in a response contrary to the laws of Moses. Their motive was impure, but what we learn from his reply gives insight into His heart. At this time in history, divorce did exist but only under strict guidelines. Women had no rights and were almost always the ones put away in divorce, destined to live in shame. In his response, Jesus brought clarity about the heart of God towards the beauty of marriage instead of dwelling on the destruction of divorce. God longs for us all to find oneness never separated through divorce. In Jesus response to the provoking Pharisees, he patiently brought their attention back to creation of the first married couple and defeated their plan while teaching us a life lesson.
In the scripture, the word "cleave" in Greek is debaq, which means “to glue together, to be closely joined, never to be severed.” There has never been a married couple more glued together than Adam and Eve before the fall. When God created Adam from the dust of the earth and then acknowledged his aloneness, instead of using more dirt for Eve he literally formed her from the very flesh and bones of her husband. They were not only spiritually joined but profoundly and physically joined as Eve was formed from Adam’s being. The word debaq here is an expression of the purest and closest union between husband and wife that can exist. Amazingly in the original Scriptures before present translations, the word two did not even exist. Adam and Eve were never two. They were always one. God created them to be one forever and he longs for that same oneness for you and I today.
How does oneness create a masterpiece?
In order for us to experience this oneness, which is not scientifically possible, we must understand it is spiritually and sexually possible! When we embrace a relationship with our Heavenly Father, entering into a covenant with our husband, we create an exquisite piece of art. Our sexual differences are pieces of a beautiful puzzle meant to create a masterpiece as they interlock. Within marriage when we spiritually join together in sexuality, it makes us truly one flesh. As I pondered this Scripture and searched for clarification, I came across an amazing story that brought the concept to life. On television one night, I saw a reporter interview a set of Siamese twins. They were in their late teens and had been joined since birth. They were born at a time when doctors rarely separated conjoined twins. They had spent their entire lives joined at the hip but facing in opposite directions. Together, they had learned how to communicate with each other from their opposing perspectives. They helped each other accomplish goals despite their different views. They learned to carry on their daily responsibilities successfully while headed in two different directions as one. Their example provides a beautiful picture for our oneness in marriage.
As man and wife, we see things from two completely different perspectives yet God expects us to be joined sexually at the hip. I am convinced if these twins can learn to overcome so can we. We can learn to work together using our different angles to accomplish our goals even though we picture things from opposite view points. We may be facing in two different directions as man and woman, but we can victoriously walk out life together in one flesh through Christ daily as husband and wife. God is the third and only strand that wraps our hearts together and according to scripture, a strand of three is not easily broken. His love for us in that union provides everything we need to succeed at intimacy and lifelong marriage. When we choose to let our differences motivate us towards oneness instead of letting them tear us apart, it is very, very good!
What are the differences between the sexes?
Clearly, men and women are very different when it comes to physical oneness. We look at life from a completely different frame of reference just as the twins did. First, men are visually driven, and they often want what they see. Women, on the other hand, are more emotionally driven and they usually want what they can feel. Those differences motivate us to work together to create physical magic, producing an amazing sexual picture. If we were both emotional, then emotions would get in the way every time. If we were motivated by physical desire alone, there would be no emotional connection.
Our differences appear both in and outside the bed chamber and how we relate in each location shapes and affects the other. Just as the twins had to learn from birth, we have to learn from our re-birth into adoption by our Heavenly Father to communicate about our contrasting ideas. As we encounter intimacy and life from two completely different angles, we become one masterpiece through conversation and teamwork by putting the pieces together. Each of us holds a part of the other and together we can accomplish our goals despite our differences. As we cleave, we learn to verbalize our thoughts, ideas, and feelings in healthy ways in and outside the bed chamber. Through open communication about what we see from our point of view it stops us from heading in two different directions.
God gave us each the opposite piece of the puzzle and when united, all of the pieces form one beautiful piece of art. Our very different perspectives holds us accountable to the covenant of marriage. Real marital oneness requires selflessness if we want to stay grafted together. As we become one flesh through sexual intimacy, our oneness is the glue that holds our lives together when everything else in the kingdom is falling apart. As one flesh, we find the sweet communion God designed for us to experience emotionally and physically as we do life glued together. In the light of our new identity as sons and daughters of the King, living in a peaceful sexual palace is our inheritance and in the end, one plus one equals one, and from our Father's perspective, "That is very, very good!"
In this season of spooky, creepy, crawly things, it seems like a great time to set the record straight on a few details about the Boogeyman. Every year around this time, I find myself avoiding the stores with the scariest costumes and characters. I don’t know about you, but I’ve never liked the Boogeyman. As a child, he was the scary being I thought I could see in the wood grain of my closet door, and every night when the lights went out I covered my head and hoped to make it til morning. The fear was overwhelming at times. Now that I am an adult, I realize it was just my imagination getting the best of me. However, according to scripture, there's a real Boogeyman in the world, and we can’t pretend he doesn’t exist. If we understand who he is, where he came from, and what he came to do, we can say “Boo” with the power of the Holy Spirit and scare him away!
Who is the Boogeyman?
Clearly the presence of both good and evil exists in the world. We see it all around us from childhood to present day. It has so filled our creative human minds that it’s portrayed in almost every book, fairy tale, and movie. In Snow White, it’s the wicked queen. In Cinderella, it is the mean step mother. In Sleeping Beauty it’s the wicked old witch. In the Garden of Eden it was a creepy, crawly, serpent named Satan whom I like to call the “Boogeyman”.
How did he make his way into every fairy tale and marriage today?
It all started in Eden where all was well in the kingdom until the sneaky snake showed up on the scene. Let’s process the picture together. Adam and Eve lived in a luscious garden in perfect harmony with one another, without any problems or worries. There was no power struggle, no arguing, no apathy, no lack, and no conflict of any kind in their marriage. They simply lived in perfect peace and loved one another completely. There was no chaos in their Caladiums, only peace in their Posies. Can I get an AMEN to that?
Unfortunately, Satan believed if he could cause Adam and Eve to doubt their position as royal children and question their relationship with God, he could cause them to fall into an identity crisis. He succeeded, and as a result most of us have forgotten who we are. It’s like walking through the haunted house at the corn maze every fall and seeing ourself distorted in one of those crazy mirrors to the point we are unrecognizable. In fact, people everywhere are searching for identity in anything they can find instead of living out who they were created to be. That’s because the Boogeyman is still up to his old tricks. He continues to tell the same lie over and over and we continue to lose our distinctive originality and run and hide. Because Adam and Eve failed to trust God and crush the Boogeyman in the garden, the roles of every married couple have experienced its lasting effects. A power struggle was birthed, and today husbands and wives struggle with the desire to each dominate the other. The proof is in what God said to Eve in the moment,
“Your desire will be for your husband and (yet) he will rule over you.” Gen. 3:16b (NIV)
In the Scripture, the word desire in original Hebrew means “to control or to overtake.”
By putting that meaning into context, the scripture would read something like this,
"Eve, your desire will be to control, overtake, and overthrow your husband but your husband will rule over you instead."
Those words can scare the “boo” out of you unless you read the rest of the story. In fact, women everywhere struggle with their own will to be in charge and control the circumstances in their home. That’s where the start of the women’s liberation movement began. It’s roots and shoots took hold in the Garden of Eden. When Eve stepped out of her role, choosing to eat from the tree without first consulting Adam as the unemotional, wise leader and protector God had created him to be, it resulted in the fatal decision to dominate and devour the fruit they weren't to touch. This frolicking female wasn't alone in her mistake. Her hubby stepped out of his role too. He passively failed to protect his bride from the sly tongued serpent and cowered from the command to lay down his life like a warrior if required. Together they had been given everything they needed to live in perfect peace, and yet it wasn't enough. The results produced the tendencies we see in male and female relationships today, Women often try to be in control of it all while men frequently live life in passivity with their head in the proverbial sand letting the Boogeyman scare everyone into palace pandemonium. If we’re honest, we’ve probably all been there before.
Who let the draw bridge down?
Today, the idea of the husband leading his home is relatively obscure due to the influence of culture. For example, cultural humor is one tool that has shaped our relational thinking. Laughter is a way to get humans to let down their guard and receive information. Unfortunately it can be used in both positive or negative ways. In the first part of our marriage, Dan and I traveled for years doing music drama evangelism. One of the most important ministry tools we utilized was comedy sketches. Once the audience started laughing and their walls fell, we would share a serious spiritual truth they would easily receive. Think about it. Almost every sitcom or comedy show on television presents men as weak and unintelligent while women are portrayed as fierce, hormonal, dominating foes? It’s a message that’s delivered after they’ve killed us with laughter. Once we lower the draw bridge, we take in and accept the lie. Much of present cultural norms promote the power and equality for women’s rights while portraying men as weaklings rather than the mighty warriors they were created to be.
What's the good news?
God didn’t let our hope die when the curse was given to Adam and Eve. Instead, in his love and mercy, God sent his son Jesus to save us from the calamity in the castle of Eden. In fact, God has never short-changed the rights of women, yet many are fighting for their right to be equal while criticizing God for limiting them with his design. This is just a lie the Boogeyman has spooked us into believing. The proof is in the example Jesus set in his treatment of women in the scriptures. He always believed in equality and women’s rights despite what we’ve been told. From the beginning of Jesus’ ministry, he battled on behalf of the women in his life. He showed up and spoke up for the prostitute, the quadruple divorcee’, the menopausal woman, the demon possessed woman, the widow, the adulteress, and the bride.!
What? You mean men and women are equal?
Even though our culture encourages males to be passive and females to rise up and take charge, the truth is, the roles for men and women have been established by God’s design from the beginning of time. That design makes us all powerful and successful in life and love. All we have to do is kick out the liar and walk in the truth.
“God created mankind in His image, in the image of God He created them; male and female He created them.” Gen. 1:27 (NIV)
This means both men and women were equally created to reflect God in who we are. As husband and wife, we’re both made in the same image of the same God. When God sent his son Jesus to die on the cross, he was using his death to build a bridge for men and women to cross over and take back our original dominion and rule the earth as designed before sin occurred. The word dominion means “sovereign or supreme authority; the power of governing and controlling.” God gave that gift of dominion to both Adam and Eve, but he also gave them strengths and weaknesses in different areas. Based on those strengths and weaknesses, they were called to walk in their divinely designed role. He is calling us to return to those roles today. Jesus came to restore us and release us from our identity crisis.
How do you overcome the curse of the Boogie Man?
Just as in medieval times, unless an enemy infiltrated the kingdom and successfully overtook the castle, kings and queens maintained their position on the throne until death. Satan may have infiltrated the kingdom gates and overtaken Adam and Eve, but our love story doesn’t have to be a horror story. We too can successfully rule our kingdoms well for a lifetime. As scripture shows, God created Adam first and He created Eve second. This means according to God’s blueprint for marriage, women are born with the innate desire to follow someone and men are born innately to lead and protect others. Our Creator designed women with incredible leadership skills for success in areas of their strengths while at the same time giving them the ability to follow in the areas that are not their's to rule. We don’t have to struggle with the desire to overthrow our husband’s authority in our home anymore. Neither do our husbands have to struggle any longer with being passive and not leading nor protecting us. Through our relationship with Christ, we can step up to our position as king and queen of our domain, crush the enemy with our faith, and take dominion side by side as husband and wife. Through our royal adoption, we can live as the kings and queens of our palace while kicking the Boogeyman out and into the mote where he belongs!
Fall is in the air and it's one of my favorite seasons of the year. As I've watched the leaves begin to fall, I'm reminded of how important it is that "everything's nice" in the kingdom. Marriage is full of seasons. With each one, challenges arise and storms blow in. When they do, let's make sure we're not allowing negative thoughts or poor behaviors to develop in the midst of the surge. Weathering the seasons of life requires us to monitor our relationship to make sure everything dead falls away. God wants us to cast it all aside like the leaves falling from the trees in preparation for Spring.
Identify and Address
In our twenty-seven years of marriage, there have been times Dan and I have taken our heart break out on each other. At times hard feelings and words have been spoken out of pain. Poor habits of relating have developed. At each turn, we had to determine to identify them all and address each one so they could die and fall away. Casting aside anything the enemy is using to bring down your marriage is a crucial part of the journey. God can use it all for the good of our marriage if we let him. In fact, conflict in marriage can be constructive if we allow our marriage to grow deeper roots like an oak tree planted by the water that shall not be moved. It's up to us to surrender it all to our Father's hands and commit ourselves to a lifetime of fall seasons.
Here are the things to look for if you want pumpkin spice and everything nice in the palace:
We can learn a lot about what to do and what not to do when confronting the issues of marriage by examining couples in scripture. One such couple is Queen Esther and her King named Xerxes. Theirs is a story of loving confrontation. Queen Esther had to confront her King because her future was on the line. She had to take a walk to the palace if their marriage was going to survive. As the story goes, King Xerses was keeping bad company with his right hand man, Haman, who was known for his naughty behavior. Haman had deceived the King into making a decree that all the Jews should die. He hated the Jews, and he thought if he influenced Xerxes to declare their deaths, he could solve his own personal problems. Sadly, the King was so out of touch he had no idea his beautiful Queen, who was also a Jew, would be facing an “Off with her head!” due to his decree. When Esther learned of the death sentence she had no choice but to gather herself and take a walk for the sake of a truthful confrontation with her King.
Why should we confront?
When you live in a one flesh relationship, if one spouse is doing something hurtful to the marriage covenant, both people are suffering in the situation. In Esther's case, it wasn't just her marriage on the line but her entire family. In our situation, it's not just our marriage that's at stake but the future of our children and grand children. Everyone needs an accountability partner and in marriage we are to hold one another accountable for the sake of the covenant. Ezekiel 33:6 says, "But if the watchman sees the sword coming and does not blow the trumpet and the people are not warned, and a sword comes and takes a person from them, he is taken away in his iniquity; but his blood I will require from the watchman's hand." Unfortunately, accountability is greatly lacking in our world today. Nobody wants to be responsible for their choices. Our willingness to choose integrity in our marriage requires us to take responsibility for what we do and hold our spouses accountable if their actions affect or harm our relationships in a negative way.
How does accountability look?
Step One: Identify Wrong Behaviors
This step is half the battle to protecting our happily ever after. Some of the behaviors easy to see in our own marriages often originated from the first famous couple six thousand plus years ago as Adam and Eve set the stage for our struggles. Once the garden vines began to unravel, their relationship took a turn for the worse. Do any of these behaviors sound or look familiar in your marriage?
First, Adam chose cowardice when the serpent arrived and slithered through their conservatory. He was passive and apathetic as Eve’s protector. He wasn't across the garden he actually stood nearby watching her converse with a serpent while letting her eat from the tree. He later blamed Eve for what had happened when God came looking for them. The first thing out of his mouth was, “It was this woman you gave me.” This symbolized Adam wanting to protect himself over the responsibility God had given him to lay down his life for his bride.
I can look back over our past and remember instances where Dan exhibited these Adam qualities. I have honestly exhibited all of Eve’s at some point or other myself. This chick had her own issues. She was disrespectful to Adam when she chose to speak with a serpent in the first place. Her loyalty should have belonged to her man but she was easily led astray. The conversation led to her greed for power she wasn’t meant to possess. Following her faulty decision, she persuaded and possibly pushed Adam to join in her mistake and eat from the tree. She then blamed the serpent when God started calling their name. During our love life I know I’ve gotten greedy for power. I can definitely relate to being pushy and then blaming Dan or the enemy for mistakes I’ve made.
As a married couple, we have a choice to make. We can either walk under the curse of Adam and Eve or walk under the covering of Christ as God’s blessed, adopted children. The wrong choice will cause the kingdom to fall into the enemy’s hands every time. Confronting in love is often the path to turning things around and casting them aside.
Step Two: Fast, Pray & Examine Your Motive
As we consider Queen Esther’s journey to confrontation, the scripture says she entered a season of prayer. Before carefully confronting our spouse, we have to first examine our own heart and pray for God to give us His perspective on the matter. God sees the heart of our spouse and He's more than able to address the situation if we willingly step out of his way and pray. We don't confront unless the Lord says "Go". Esther also fasted before her confrontation. Fasting is a method used in Bible times that Dan and I have used many times to empty ourselves of our “self” so we could hear the voice of God. Once that happens, God can soften any heart and move us to say whatever needs to be said.
If He does ask us to confront, our primary goal is to restore our spouse to a right relationship with God, not to ourselves. Don’t look for an apology from your spouse, instead seek to help them make an about face and reconcile in their relationship with the Heavenly Father. When this relationship is restored your marriage will be restored as well. Our motive must be pure and without selfishness. We may never hear the words “I’m so sorry” or “Please forgive me.” Those words are the words meant for the Heavenly Father. We can't approach our spouse and succeed if our heart is in the wrong place, and if our motive is pure and our priorities in order, we can move to the next step in the process.
Step Three: Gather Your Courage
Next, Esther, who was determined to do the right thing, had to grab hold of bravery and devise her plan. Confronting a spouse requires courage, especially if the subject is a sensitive one. Our courage comes from the Lord, and in our bravery, humility is required. We cannot approach our husband with a prideful, righteous arrogance. Esther approached the King humbly and he received her. Back in those days, it was illegal to approach the King unless you were summoned. The King actually had the option, if approached without being called, to order execution. Thank goodness those days are over, but knowing the Father has sent you is crucial to your success. We have no guarantees that our spouse will be willing to listen to what we have to say, but if we follow Esther’s example and approach them with humility and respect they will be more likely to listen.
Step Four: When the Timing is Right, Extend an Invitation and Share the Evidence
Queen Esther gathered her courage and approached the King extending an invitation to dinner. It’s always best to offer an invitation to our mate, trusting they’ll accept our request for conversation. Over dinner is a great idea. Sometimes confronting in public keeps the emotions of both spouses under check. Once you are face to face, be sensitive to the Holy Spirit as you share your evidence to support your frustration. Esther didn't end up confronting the first time. Instead, she listened to her gut and requested dinner a second time. Timing is everything when it comes to confrontation.
When the time comes, have the evidence ready. In the first few years of our marriage, when I would confront Dan, I rarely had the evidence prepared. As I was presenting my opening arguments before the court, I was like the young, legal assistant who had not prepared her case. I soon learned I had to have the evidence to back up my case or the conversation quickly turned into an argument. Remember presenting evidence doesn’t give us permission to bring up old crimes that have already been discussed and forgiven or throwing old issues into the ring. It does mean we provide a couple of recent examples to make our point in a respectful way when presenting the proof. Remember, you’re not keeping score; you’re just keeping good records. Esther clearly explained why she needed to address the crisis with her King and she gave the evidence that proved the guilt of Haman.
Step Five: Speak the Truth in Love
Speaking the truth in love is one of the most important aspects of confronting your spouse. The scripture says if we speak but have not love we are like a clanging gong. If we put ourselves in our spouse’s shoes, I think we’ll realize the truth is really hard to hear. It means coming face to face with our personal failures. Realize the truth is always easier to swallow if spoken with loving lips. Queen Esther spoke the truth in love, with respect to the King's authority, explaining her circumstances clearly.
As Esther journeyed toward the throne, she said, "If I perish, I perish." She accepted the fact the King still had the final say in the situation. Enter your conversation as she did, with no expectations. She went only with hope and faith in the Lord who had sent her. It’s up to your spouse how they receive the truth. If they don’t willingly accept the confrontation, remember it doesn’t mean it can’t change over time. With God all things are possible. Sometimes it requires a time of thinking, waiting, and more prayer. If you can't seem to find a solution, seek the council of a pastor or marriage counselor as an objective third party to resolve the issue. God commands us to seek Godly council when in need of wisdom beyond ourselves.
As you enjoy this season of Fall, if you are facing a challenging season, don't lose sight of the good when things are hard and allow your heart to grow faint. God wants us to stand strong, gather our courage, and do the work to bring new life to any dead situation. Confronting those we love isn’t easy, but it is sometimes necessary to maintain a relationship of integrity and nobility in the kingdom. Your palace can be full of pumpkin spice and everything nice if you're both willing to let the dead leaves fall away and the Father bring new growth and life in the Spring!
Here at living in nobility, I've never tried to paint the world as all royal roses and peaceful palaces, or at least that's never been my intent. My hearts desire has been to paint the world through the perspective of God's heart toward husbands and wives because when the world has gone mad, his view is the only real source of peace if we want to maintain our palace.
In the last year, Dan and I have faced a challenging season as parents. It's one we never imagined facing. But let's be real, it's not easy raising children in the world we're in. In all honesty, history shows it's been hard from the beginning of time. The first married couple recorded in scripture had challenging children. The first sibling rivalry began just outside the Garden of Eden with Adam and Eve's two sons, Cain and Abel. Adam and Eve had already faced their major “bump in the road” moment when they disobeyed the one command given by God. Now their two sons were not getting along. Abel was more than able to please God with his offering, and Cain raised cane about it and took his brother's life. In the grief that must have followed, don't you wonder how the first couple survived?
The season we're facing is not about sibling rivalry but about the prodigal's journey home struggling on the razor's edge between living in the truth or believing a lie the world offers up on a silver platter. In the midst of the battle, there have been times that Dan and I have rolled up our sleeves and fought the enemy and other times when we've put on our gloves and clobbered each other. Why does that happen? Because it's easier to fight with what one can see and wound than the principalities of darkness we can't see with the naked eye. Too bad it's not as simple as ordering up “Solar Eclipse” glasses to peer through when the darkness comes.
Chaos comes in many forms. When it comes and the war torn castle ensues, what do we do as husband and wife? First we have to know who we are and what our identity really is in our Father or we lose our faith and cave to fear. Here are the things we've learned about keeping peace in the midst of pandemonium:
In the end, we can find peace in the palace when we stand on his promises wearing the full armor of our Father, the King. Remember when David defeated Goliath? He denied the armor the world had to offer and wore the only armor that fit his soul, the armor of his faith. The key to your winning in times of battle is to know who you are, know who your enemy is, and walk in complete faith in the one who has already won the war!
If you need inspiration to put on your armor, copy and paste this link in your browser and watch. It inspired us for battle:
Do you want to live in a war-torn castle or a peaceful palace?
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