Are you a Bubbling Brook or a Quiet Stream?

Why is my spouse not talking?

Dan and I have been married for thirty plus years. Over the years, communication is one area where Dan and I had a lot to learn. For years, it was a bumpy road and I often found myself complaining about Dan's communication skills. Several years back, I had a break through. The truth hit me as I realized the bigger problem with our communication was not him. It was me. (Ouch!) My need to constantly analyze a situation, create a solution to a problem, or simply state my opinion was at the root of our communication problems. Don't get me wrong, a wife's role in communication and the act of gathering and giving information is one of the many keys to success in marriage, which I share in depth in our new book, "Chaos in the Castle or Peace in the Palace?" There we lay out the details about the powerful gatherer and givers God created wives to be. However, outside that role, if we're not careful, we can have the tendency to talk a situation to death since women tend to naturally be detail oriented and we have twice as much to say.

In the midst of my own epiphany, I realized the king of my palace wasn't talking because I wasn't listening. It made sense. If you're not going to be heard or your words are not going to be valued, why speak? Scientific studies back up the fact women have twice as many words to speak on a daily basis than men. For that reason, we have to be careful not to fill the air with empty words while our husband is struggling to fit in a priceless point.

If you want your spouse to talk, create a safe place for their voice to be heard and their words to be spoken without criticism or judgment.

Years ago, during our premarital counseling, Dan and I were told in every marriage there is a bubbling brook and a quiet stream. Since women have twice as many words to say each day, quite often women are the bubbling brooks. Science also says men process information differently than women do. They often like to think before they speak, because when they speak they have a desire to speak with leadership and wisdom. However, women often think out loud before we've given what we're saying much thought. Sometimes our thoughts can be quite intimidating to the man in our lives, especially if he is the quiet stream type.

I was such a bubbling brook my quite stream was silent. The great news is, I knew I wasn't in this alone. It all started at creation in the Garden of Eden. After all, that's where communication broke down between the first married couple. Could it be that Adam was a quiet stream and Eve wasn't comfortable with all the silence so she struck up a conversation with a serpent. With Eve's bubbly personality, when she began to talk to the intruder in their midst, Adam stood watching and remained silent. If we want to reverse the effects of that chaotic conversation, we have to create a different atmosphere and build a safe haven for open conversation or we could find ourselves in a chaotic broken system of communication.

How do we do create healthy conversation?

We start by embracing our individuality and uniqueness as a couple. We have to understand that even though men typically have fewer words, they're words are not less valuable. If the role is reversed and your husband happens to be the babbling brook the rules still apply. We have to allow our spouse to be who they are and who God created them to be when it comes to their way of talking.

Here are a few concepts that can help:

• Embrace your differences. It takes the right atmosphere and a lot of contemplation for a quiet gentle stream to speak their mind and share their heart with the bubbling brook in the relationship.
• If you're the bubbling brook, try tossing out a topic and watching the clock. Choose not to speak after the topic is introduced for at lease three minutes. This will force you to really listen to what your partner has to say and then respond.
• Remember dialogues are much more productive than monologues.
• The bubbling brook can ask the quieter partner if they would like to talk and let them choose the topic.
• Remember not to push or prod your gentle stream to speak. If you do, you may actually cause them to dry up completely and get the opposite of what you desire. It can discourage instead of encourage communication.
• Remember it's better to respond instead of react in difficult conversations. When a bubbling book speaks harshly in response to a difficult matter, their words can be like a hammer and a chisel to our partner's heart, causing them to go silent.

In the days palaces and castles, if a queen refused to listen to the king of her kingdom she could be sentenced to exile or even death. Oh my! If you want your king to speak, take the time to control your speech and quietly listen. Strong relationships stay strong when people talk on a daily basis. It's a part of staying glued together as one flesh. I don't know about you, but I prefer palace pillow talk over chaotic castle conversation any day of the week.